Tag Archives: Sports

LeBron James Returns to Cleveland, Sabotages Airplane

The Miami Heat had a scare early Thursday morning as the airplane that was transporting the team from Miami to Cleveland was reported to have a “wing flap issue”.  The flight crew reported that the issue became noticed on the approach into Cleveland Hopkins airport.  The Miami Heat arrived safely at the airport around 2:30am.LeBron James "Please, don't kill me"

The Heat are set to square off tonight in Cleveland against the Cavaliers when just five months ago, LeBron James left the Cavaliers as a free agent and signed with the Heat.  This will be his first game back in Cleveland since the departure.

NBA analyst Ketch Roberts called the airplane incident “karma coming back to LeBron James for what he did to the people of Cleveland.”

Around 3:00pm on Thursday, a statement was released from an anonymous witness claiming that James had attempted to pay a technician an undisclosed amount of money to rig the plane so it would not be able to pass inspection to take off from Miami International Airport.

Shortly after the release of the statement, NBA commissioner, David J. Stern, spoke out regarding the rumor saying that, “While we cannot yet prove that any transaction took place, we are still investigating it as a possibility.  I mean, come on, it’s a little suspicious that there is a ‘witness’ claiming that this happened…and then something actually happened.  I’ll ‘tweet the deets’ as soon as we know more.”

"It was both serendipitous and uncorrect at the same time. It was simmontaneous."

LeBron James held a 5:00pm pre-game press conference regarding the issue.  He defended the rumors saying, “I ain’t done nothing.  No sabotage.  This was just a freak accident.  I promise.  This has nothing at all to do with me not wanting to come back to Cleveland, although the timing is…oh, how do you say…serendipitous?  I’m 90% sure I used that word uncorrectly…as well as that one.  I had many good years here in Cleveland.  I know I didn’t give you a championship and all, but I could have.  I wasn’t really trying all that hard anyway…only ‘cuz I didn’t want the other players to feel bad.  Honest.”

After almost 40 minutes of overly apologetic and mostly suspicious rambling, James concluded saying, “I promise I had nothing to do with the plane not working right.  I really wanted to come back to Cleveland…I’m not scared.  This just says a lot for the airlines because a plane in that condition wasn’t even supposed to be able to take off.  That’s what that dude told me at least…I mean I Googled it.”

One reporter spoke very briefly to Heat teammate Dwyane Wade about the allegations.  When asked if he though James was guilty, Wade’s only response was, “O.J. Simpson”.

The game is scheduled to start at 8:00pm tonight and LeBron James is expected to play.  Extra security precautions have been put in place for the game and Cleveland fans will have difficulty taunting James while he is off-court.  A protective cage has been built for James to use during the game.  It is said to be pummel resistant, drink proof, food proof, and it even has a feature that filters offensive comments and turns them into words of praise.


Vikings fire Childress, hire “Major Dad”

On Monday, the Minnesota Vikings fired head coach Brad Childress following Sunday’s 31-3 loss to their division rival, Green Bay Packers.  Last season, Childress led the Vikings to within a field goal from going to the Super Bowl.

This is Brad Childress with is famous "Okay, I'll go pack up my office" look.

The team decided not to tell quarterback, Brett Favre, about Childress’ departure, and put Favre on an information lockdown.  On Monday, Vikings owner Zygi Wilf told reporters, “It is important not to upset Brett (Favre) with only six games left in the season.  He does not deal with change very well.  We all saw what happened when he left Green Bay.  We’re just trying to minimize the damage.  His old body can’t handle this kind of news.”

Tuesday afternoon, in an attempt to get a coach in place without Favre noticing, the Minnesota Vikings hired former “Major Dad” TV star, Gerald McRaney, as Childress’ replacement.

It's uncanny. It's like Brad Childress with a George W. Bush grin.

Wilf told reporters, “The decision was easy.  I mean, look at him.  He looks exactly like Brad (Childress).  Just slap some glasses on him and we’re good to go.”

When asked about Favre possibly noticing the age difference between McRaney and Childress, offensive coordinator Darrel Bevell said, “It’s only a 9 year difference.  Sure “Major Dad” looks a bit older than Chilly, but Favre’s eyes also aren’t what they used to be.  Look at his 17 interceptions this year.  He’s throwing balls to everyone.  If I had a dollar for every time Brett has come to me this season and said ‘sorry coach, thought it was one of our guys’, I’d be able to buy like 17 McDonald’s double-cheeseburgers.”

"Brett didn’t seem to notice...He gave a very dramatic and confused stare...After about two minutes he shrugged and kept walking." (Click to Enlarge)

Favre and McRaney met for the first time Wednesday morning in the Vikings locker room.  A team representative said, “It was great.  McRaney played it so casual.  I haven’t seen him act this well in years.  Brett didn’t seem to notice the difference, but gave us a close scare when they first crossed paths.  He stopped and gave a very dramatic and confused stare into the distance.  You know, kinda like they do on soap operas.  After about two minutes he shrugged and kept walking.  No harm done and we’re happy to have ‘Major Dad’ in the locker room.”

McRaney has yet to speak out about his new job, but a close family friend told reporters that, “He’s just happy to have steady work and hopefully help out the Vikings.  Gerald has always had a soft spot for charities.”

The Tebow Timeline

Anyone who is familiar with the sports world knows the name, Tim Tebow.  When he’s not out circumcising the Filipino youth, he’s throwing hail mary’s (pun intended) in the NFL.  After a successful college career at Florida, the Denver Broncos decided to roll the dice and draft Tim Tebow.  There’s no doubt he’s a great athlete and a douche bag (confirmed via Wikipedia), but can he make it in the NFL?

Tim Tebow was on top of the world at Florida.  His climb to the top of the ladder is carefully documented and illustrated below:

This first picture is of Tim Tebow in 2006.  I know it was from 2006 because it is crudely scribbled into the photo itself.

Tim Tebow 2006

As you can see, Tim Tebow is just beginning to get a taste of what college football is all about.  It is around this time that he sold his soul to the mighty Satan (he would later win it back in an online poker tournament and join forces with Jesus.  Christ, to be specific.  Not just some mexican dude named Jesus, that spells his name the same as Jesus, but says it like Jesus instead of Jesus.  Jesus Christ that was confusing).  Moving on.

Now we see Tebow in the 2007 season.  This year he won the Heisman trophy.  You can see the trophy displayed proudly in the picture.

Even though the trophy looks like a yellow man urinating uncontrollably, Tim didn’t care.  He was now the cock of the walk.  Take that how you want to.  He now had a big ol’ trophy and JonBenét Ramsey-like work ethic to win no matter what.  Too soon?  It’s been 14 years.  Get over it.

In 2008, Tebow would begin use his shiny trophy to lure Filipino children into a hut so he could play Doctor and circumcise them.   He was almost thwarted several times during his scissoring escapades by authority figures.  They would accuse him of child molestation and mock his cutting techniques, calling them sloppy and unoriginal.  To this he would respond, “I am Tim Tebow.  Would Tim Tebow like little boys?  I think not.”  As it turned out he was the only one who thought not.

Tim Tebow’s questionable venture into the human calamari market paid off.  He won a BCS Championship in the 2008-09 season.  He even lost a game this season and cried about it on TV.  He promised to not to be human and lose another game.

The 2009-10 season would prove to be extra annoying to watch.  His go-get-’em attitude on and off of the field was becoming sad to look at.  He was clearly cheesing for the camera, trying to attract attention from NFL teams.  His projected value in the NFL was still in question.  He did not care.  Jesus loved him.  Not the Mexican guy, the Christ one still.  That made 3 people who loved him (Mom, Dad, & Jesus.  I didn’t have  a photo of the four of them to post.  I saw one on the internet once but it looked like a photoshoppery because the Jesus in that photo actually was Mexican, and the Jesus we all know and love is a White.)  This is Tim in the 2009-10 season.

He would fail to lead his team to a National Championship in his final season.  They played in a Bowl game though…but then again who doesn’t get to play a bowl game.  Even though his team lost, he came out winning.  He was drafted in the first round by the Denver Broncos.  We will soon find out if this was a wise choice, or the most disappointing draft pick ever made.  At which point they will most likely have him shot and turned into glue.  Until that day, we will have to watch him cry every time the Broncos lose.  This will likely cause ratings to go up.

I was able to find the picture of the Tebow family with Jesus.  I’m pretty sure it’s still Jesus the Mexican and not Jesus Christ.  If anyone can shed any light on this it would be rather helpful.  It does, however, answer the question of whether or not you can fall asleep while standing.

L to R: Mom Tebow, Dad Tebow, Tim Tebow, Jesus Mexican/Christ

http://www.timtebowfacts.com/  Yes…this is a real site.

* Note:  Any inaccuracies in this post will go uncared about by myself.  In summary, I won’t care about anything in this post that isn’t accurate.  I realize I just took the first sentence, and wrote it in a different way for the summary.  I also realize I used my entire third sentence, as well as this one, to describe what I did in the previous sentences.  This fifth sentence will be my final one on the matter.