Category Archives: SPORTS

Chron-illogical Disorder has moved!


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Brett Favre’s streak ends, world stands still


On Monday, Brett Favre’s streak of 297 consecutive starts came to an end and captivated the nation.

Where were you when the streak ended?  I was at home, watching Monday Night Football.  When they told me that Brett Favre wasn’t going to start, I wanted to cry, I wanted to laugh…I didn’t know what to feel.  Seeing that record fall down was one of the most incredible, yet terrible, sights to behold.  The sports world truly stopped on that day.  So, ask yourself…”Where were you?”  Actually, ask yourself, “Where was I?”  Because you can’t ask yourself where you were because you are yourself asking yourself a question about yourself.  Never forget. 12/13.

A true...modern day...9/11. The ultimate in "Who Cares?" sports coverage. I hate you sometimes ESPN. I'm gonna put a jihad on you.

 

 

 

Metrodome roof collapses, cherry on top of a great season


This season, many people around the NFL have questioned whether or not Minnesota Vikings receiver Percy Harvin’s migraines are as severe as he claims they are.  Early Sunday morning Harvin proved the naysayers wrong when he had a migraine so intense that it radiated outward causing the roof of the Metrodome to collapse.  That is what happened according to Percy Harvin.

Percy Harvin gets paid to stand on the sideline and BETA test Advil.

Local meteorologists blame the snowstorm for the collapse, and not Harvin’s migraines.  Harvin, however, maintains his guilt and insists that he be punished to the full extent by the NFL and miss the remainder of the season with pay.

The damage caused the NFL moved the Vikings’ game against the New York Giants to Monday night in nearby-ish Detroit, Michigan.  This was the first time in almost 20 years that Detroit had seen decent football.  Admission to the game was free with priority seating for the ticket-holders to the originally scheduled game.  Seating was general admission and, of course, segregated to keep the crime down.

The Vikings organization is distraught by the destruction.  Vikings owner Zygi Wilf said, “It’s just way too cold outside to have an open air stadium in Minnesota. Even worse, everything is wet in here.  The last thing Minnesota needs is another lake.  There is just nothing good about this situation.”

Having spent the remainder of their budget trying to keep Brett Favre alive, the Vikings have asked the community to help out in restoring the dome to its normal state. The Vikings are launching an ad campaign to raise money to fund the cost of repairs. It involves a group of homely-looking Vikings who ask the question, “What’s in your wallet?…and can we have some?”

In the meantime, the Metrodome is being used to house the remaining Katrina refugees.  There are still over 3,000 fugees roaming about the country for whatever reason.  The Vikings are hoping to get some free labor out of the deal. So far none of the fugees have offered to work, but a couple said they might…one time.

Urban Meyer steps down, secret World of Warcraft addiction


University of Florida head coach, Urban Meyer, resigned from his position this past Wednesday.  Less than one year ago, he attempted resignation due to health concerns but decided to stay.  This time, he assures us “it’s final.”

Many Gator fans are surprised by his departure, given that in the 2009 season he led the team to win the BCS National Championship.   The Gators’ 2010 season was not nearly as successful as they finished 2nd in the SEC East, and did not even get the opportunity to play for the SEC Championship.  Experts the 2010 season a “rebuilding year” for the Gators after Tim Tebow went to the NFL in the 2009 draft.

“He (Tebow) was the core of our offense. His presence was missed this season.  We are just awful without him.” said Meyer in a November press conference.

On Thursday, rumors started flying around the internet as to why Meyer decided to step down.  He originally cited that he wanted to be closer to his family, but one company stepped forward with some information that possibly explains  his departure.

A few months ago, Blizzard Entertainment, makers of the popular MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role-playing game ) World of Warcraft, noticed a significant spike in activity from one of its online characters, a Blood-Elf Warlock named Urbanog.

A company representative told reporters that they “noticed a grotesquely significant increase in playing time around July 2010” that has exponentially increased ever since.  The account was looked into further and discovered to belong to Gators head coach Urban Meyer.

“All of our account information is usually kept anonymous and we don’t typically release this information to the public, but given that I had the Gators selected to win in our office pool this year, I don’t really care anymore.  He screwed me,” said the forthright Blizzard Entertainment representative.

Meyer chatting with his unit on teamspeak.

When Meyer was questioned about the Warcraft matter on Friday he finally broke down.  “How else was I supposed to get better?  I mean, they start you off in the woods with practically no skills or spells.  Winning takes time.  Winning takes effort.  I was tired of being called a n00b,” said Meyer.

To put things in perspective, Meyer has logged 2,254 hours of playing time over the last 126 days.  This equates to 93 days of playing time in the 126 day span.  Basically, if he’s not on the field, or sleeping…he’s logged into WOW (World of Warcraft in nerd-speak).

Meyer lashed out in a ‘mom just 10 more minutes’-style defense saying, “Look at me now, ALRIGHT! JUST LOOK AT ME!!!  I’ve got it all!  I’m a level 80, all of my gear is Epic, I’m the President of my own guild, and I’ve led and won over 400 raids!  You don’t get numbers like that without hard work and a lot of free time.  I’m just preparing for the next expansion pack.  I’m gonna get that the night it comes out, level all the way up…and start pwning (‘owning’ in nerd-speak) some n00bs.”

One reporter asked how he was planning to make money to provide for his family since he is essentially job-less.  His reply was, “Don’t you worry about that.  I’m an expert Jewelcrafter and I mined for like, a ton of mithril and gold last week.  I’m pretty set.  Thanks.”

LeBron James Returns to Cleveland, Sabotages Airplane


The Miami Heat had a scare early Thursday morning as the airplane that was transporting the team from Miami to Cleveland was reported to have a “wing flap issue”.  The flight crew reported that the issue became noticed on the approach into Cleveland Hopkins airport.  The Miami Heat arrived safely at the airport around 2:30am.LeBron James "Please, don't kill me"

The Heat are set to square off tonight in Cleveland against the Cavaliers when just five months ago, LeBron James left the Cavaliers as a free agent and signed with the Heat.  This will be his first game back in Cleveland since the departure.

NBA analyst Ketch Roberts called the airplane incident “karma coming back to LeBron James for what he did to the people of Cleveland.”

Around 3:00pm on Thursday, a statement was released from an anonymous witness claiming that James had attempted to pay a technician an undisclosed amount of money to rig the plane so it would not be able to pass inspection to take off from Miami International Airport.

Shortly after the release of the statement, NBA commissioner, David J. Stern, spoke out regarding the rumor saying that, “While we cannot yet prove that any transaction took place, we are still investigating it as a possibility.  I mean, come on, it’s a little suspicious that there is a ‘witness’ claiming that this happened…and then something actually happened.  I’ll ‘tweet the deets’ as soon as we know more.”

"It was both serendipitous and uncorrect at the same time. It was simmontaneous."

LeBron James held a 5:00pm pre-game press conference regarding the issue.  He defended the rumors saying, “I ain’t done nothing.  No sabotage.  This was just a freak accident.  I promise.  This has nothing at all to do with me not wanting to come back to Cleveland, although the timing is…oh, how do you say…serendipitous?  I’m 90% sure I used that word uncorrectly…as well as that one.  I had many good years here in Cleveland.  I know I didn’t give you a championship and all, but I could have.  I wasn’t really trying all that hard anyway…only ‘cuz I didn’t want the other players to feel bad.  Honest.”

After almost 40 minutes of overly apologetic and mostly suspicious rambling, James concluded saying, “I promise I had nothing to do with the plane not working right.  I really wanted to come back to Cleveland…I’m not scared.  This just says a lot for the airlines because a plane in that condition wasn’t even supposed to be able to take off.  That’s what that dude told me at least…I mean I Googled it.”

One reporter spoke very briefly to Heat teammate Dwyane Wade about the allegations.  When asked if he though James was guilty, Wade’s only response was, “O.J. Simpson”.

The game is scheduled to start at 8:00pm tonight and LeBron James is expected to play.  Extra security precautions have been put in place for the game and Cleveland fans will have difficulty taunting James while he is off-court.  A protective cage has been built for James to use during the game.  It is said to be pummel resistant, drink proof, food proof, and it even has a feature that filters offensive comments and turns them into words of praise.

Vikings fire Childress, hire “Major Dad”


On Monday, the Minnesota Vikings fired head coach Brad Childress following Sunday’s 31-3 loss to their division rival, Green Bay Packers.  Last season, Childress led the Vikings to within a field goal from going to the Super Bowl.

This is Brad Childress with is famous "Okay, I'll go pack up my office" look.

The team decided not to tell quarterback, Brett Favre, about Childress’ departure, and put Favre on an information lockdown.  On Monday, Vikings owner Zygi Wilf told reporters, “It is important not to upset Brett (Favre) with only six games left in the season.  He does not deal with change very well.  We all saw what happened when he left Green Bay.  We’re just trying to minimize the damage.  His old body can’t handle this kind of news.”

Tuesday afternoon, in an attempt to get a coach in place without Favre noticing, the Minnesota Vikings hired former “Major Dad” TV star, Gerald McRaney, as Childress’ replacement.

It's uncanny. It's like Brad Childress with a George W. Bush grin.

Wilf told reporters, “The decision was easy.  I mean, look at him.  He looks exactly like Brad (Childress).  Just slap some glasses on him and we’re good to go.”

When asked about Favre possibly noticing the age difference between McRaney and Childress, offensive coordinator Darrel Bevell said, “It’s only a 9 year difference.  Sure “Major Dad” looks a bit older than Chilly, but Favre’s eyes also aren’t what they used to be.  Look at his 17 interceptions this year.  He’s throwing balls to everyone.  If I had a dollar for every time Brett has come to me this season and said ‘sorry coach, thought it was one of our guys’, I’d be able to buy like 17 McDonald’s double-cheeseburgers.”

"Brett didn’t seem to notice...He gave a very dramatic and confused stare...After about two minutes he shrugged and kept walking." (Click to Enlarge)

Favre and McRaney met for the first time Wednesday morning in the Vikings locker room.  A team representative said, “It was great.  McRaney played it so casual.  I haven’t seen him act this well in years.  Brett didn’t seem to notice the difference, but gave us a close scare when they first crossed paths.  He stopped and gave a very dramatic and confused stare into the distance.  You know, kinda like they do on soap operas.  After about two minutes he shrugged and kept walking.  No harm done and we’re happy to have ‘Major Dad’ in the locker room.”

McRaney has yet to speak out about his new job, but a close family friend told reporters that, “He’s just happy to have steady work and hopefully help out the Vikings.  Gerald has always had a soft spot for charities.”

Derek Jeter, Yankees play “Let’s Make A Deal”


For the first time in his illustrious career, Derek Jeter is a free agent.  His 10-year, $189 million contract came to an end at the conclusion of the 2010 season.   The New York Yankees, wishing to keep their franchise star shortstop in New York, began negotiations with Jeter and his agent.

The Yankees’ negotiating strategy has been unfavorable to Jeter so far.  Initially, the Yankees were reluctant to offer Jeter anything more than a 3-year $45 million contract, while  Jeter wanted at least a 4-year contract with more money on top.  The Yankees’ negotiation efforts continue to fall short, and continue to get more bazaar.

Derek Jeter during his A.C. Slater phase.

The most recent development in the negotiation has the Yankees’ offering Jeter a 4-year $55 million contract and a package which includes upper-deck season tickets, a signed Derek Jeter 1992 Draft Pick baseball card, and a lifetime supply of Otter Pops.

Jeter’s agent spoke out against the offer, calling it “childish and insulting”.  The Yankees’ responded saying that, “there was just no more money left to offer what Derek (Jeter) is worth.  Which is why we added the package as a part of the deal.”

The Otter Pop is responsible for more sticky pairs of scissors than any other desert snack.

During a press conference, Jeter said, “I am confused as to why I would even use the season tickets.  They’re not even good seats.  I won’t even comment on offering me my signed rookie card and Otter Pops.  I don’t even like Otter Pops.”

Yankees’ owner, Hal Steinbrenner, responded to Jeter’s comment saying, “We admit that the Otter Pops and signed baseball card are lame, but if he (Jeter) doesn’t want the season tickets he can give them away as a stocking stuffer perhaps.  The seats may be upper-deck, but they’re still right behind home plate and you can see the whole field.  I really don’t see what the issue is here.  He is just pulling his ‘Diva’ card.”

The negotiations continue and Yankees fans will have to wait to see what Jeter decides to do.  It is unlikely he will decide to go to another team, but for the Yankees organization it’s just a matter of “sealing the deal” to keep him there for sure.

Just a preview of what could be the newest Randy Moss jersey. This would be the fourth team jersey within a year to feature his name.

In a related story, Tennessee Titans wide receiver, Randy Moss, has been contacted by the Yankees to replace Jeter if he opts for another team.  Moss has been with three different NFL teams this season and switching sports seems like the next logical move for the indecisive veteran.

Fans have responded in outrage and one analyst calls the rumor “absurd”, saying that “the Yankees are clearly only after brand name players.  I highly doubt Moss has ever touched a baseball before.”

Steinbrenner has quite a few difficult decisions to make during the off-season, but the Jeter contract appears to be the sun that all of the other decisions revolve around.

Alabama eats Georgia State, looks to feast on Auburn


The Alabama Crimson Tide defeated the first-year Georgia State Panthers last night 63-7.  Most people would consider this to be an absolute blowout, however Panthers head coach, Bill Curry, claims that they (Panthers) are making strides and “would have done better had we been able to get the opponents’ films to play on our VHS player.”

The malfunctioning VHS player in the filmroom at Georgia State has been acting up all season and was once again on the fritz last week.  When asked why they don’t just buy a new one, or get a DVD player, Curry said, “that would be great but unfortunately the budget doesn’t allow it.  We aren’t the Yankees.”  The team is currently taking donations to put toward a new video system and hopes to have it functional before next season.

The one bright spot in last night’s slaughter came when Albert Wilson returned a kickoff for a 97-yard touchdown.  Alabama head coach, Nick Saban, spoke about the play during a postgame press conference saying, “we felt bad and had to let them have something.  That young kid will remember that touchdown for the rest of his life.  You’re welcome.”

Alabama will face-off against the unstoppable Auburn Tigers next week.   The Crimson Tide will need to shift their focus toward figuring out how to stop Cam Newton, a task at which no team has been successful at so far this season.

The illustration below should accurately describe the relationship between the Georgia State/Alabama game to the upcoming Alamaba/Auburn game in terms of size and sheer importance.

The man is of average height, and is incidentally NOT Indiana Jones. We cannot stress enough that there is NO relationship between the Georgia State Panthers and Indiana Jones.

Major League Baseball nearing year-round play


More games in the season will cause injuries like this to be 0.96% more likely to happen.

As if the 162-game regular season wasn’t long enough already, Major League Baseball is considering expanding the playoffs for the 2012 season. This will allow room for additional Wild Card teams.

This discussion began after the dismal 2010 World Series between the Texas Rangers and the San Francisco Giants. It was referred to by, sportswriter Clem Herring of the Washington Times, as the “most boring series of events ever strung together for television.” He later compared it to watching a marathon of ‘Joanie Loves Chachi’ citing it as, “just awful.”

The logic in having more playoff teams,is that having more teams involved in the playoff race will help weed out the teams like that do not receive high ratings. Hopefully the Giants/Rangers World Series has not set a trend, otherwise we can expect to se the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Baltimore Orioles duke it out for the title in 2011.

The proposal is receiving very little opposition at the moment but nothing has been finalized as of yet.