Monthly Archives: December 2010

Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens call it quits


Even at the peak of their relationship, they looked distant. Ba-da-cha.

It’s official…Hufron has split. They have taken the typical Hollywood stance and are citing irreconcilable differences.

Even though their four-year relationship has ended, they still maintain a close friendship.

 

Hudgens told reporters that “He (Efron) just wants to sing all the time. I’m more of a dancer. He’s white. I’m probably not white. It just wasn’t a good fit. We make better BFFs.”

Efron took a similar stance on Hudgens. “We were High School Musical sweethearts. It’s sad to see it end. Plus, I’m white. I don’t think she is. I’m pretty sure she’s not black either. I don’t really know what she is. We’re just too different.”

They plan to use their new freedom to take on new projects. Both Efron and Hudgens have plans to do separate musicals revolving around college. Efron will begin filming University School Musical in Spring 2011. Hudgens is slated to star in Community College School Musical to try to appeal to the ethnic crowd. She begins filming in Summer 2011. She also had an offer to star in Technical School Musical.

In an unrelated story, comedian Doug Benson has been asked to star in High Musical.

This break-up comes at an unfortunate time because I just came up with the ‘Hufron’ mash-up, and now I can’t use it anymore. Thanks for nothing Zac Efron…you talented fruit.

T.J. Miller – Conan – 12/13/10


This is one of the best sets I’ve seen on a Late Night program. So awkward, and so inherently funny. I was completely unaware of T.J. Miller until I started listening to comedy podcasts and he’s quickly becoming one of my favorite comics. Check him out in the video below. First 30 seconds are a bit awkward…but after you watch the whole set and the interview afterward, you’ll realize it was probably intentional.

Click to Watch T.J. Miller on Conan

Brett Favre’s streak ends, world stands still


On Monday, Brett Favre’s streak of 297 consecutive starts came to an end and captivated the nation.

Where were you when the streak ended?  I was at home, watching Monday Night Football.  When they told me that Brett Favre wasn’t going to start, I wanted to cry, I wanted to laugh…I didn’t know what to feel.  Seeing that record fall down was one of the most incredible, yet terrible, sights to behold.  The sports world truly stopped on that day.  So, ask yourself…”Where were you?”  Actually, ask yourself, “Where was I?”  Because you can’t ask yourself where you were because you are yourself asking yourself a question about yourself.  Never forget. 12/13.

A true...modern day...9/11. The ultimate in "Who Cares?" sports coverage. I hate you sometimes ESPN. I'm gonna put a jihad on you.

 

 

 

Metrodome roof collapses, cherry on top of a great season


This season, many people around the NFL have questioned whether or not Minnesota Vikings receiver Percy Harvin’s migraines are as severe as he claims they are.  Early Sunday morning Harvin proved the naysayers wrong when he had a migraine so intense that it radiated outward causing the roof of the Metrodome to collapse.  That is what happened according to Percy Harvin.

Percy Harvin gets paid to stand on the sideline and BETA test Advil.

Local meteorologists blame the snowstorm for the collapse, and not Harvin’s migraines.  Harvin, however, maintains his guilt and insists that he be punished to the full extent by the NFL and miss the remainder of the season with pay.

The damage caused the NFL moved the Vikings’ game against the New York Giants to Monday night in nearby-ish Detroit, Michigan.  This was the first time in almost 20 years that Detroit had seen decent football.  Admission to the game was free with priority seating for the ticket-holders to the originally scheduled game.  Seating was general admission and, of course, segregated to keep the crime down.

The Vikings organization is distraught by the destruction.  Vikings owner Zygi Wilf said, “It’s just way too cold outside to have an open air stadium in Minnesota. Even worse, everything is wet in here.  The last thing Minnesota needs is another lake.  There is just nothing good about this situation.”

Having spent the remainder of their budget trying to keep Brett Favre alive, the Vikings have asked the community to help out in restoring the dome to its normal state. The Vikings are launching an ad campaign to raise money to fund the cost of repairs. It involves a group of homely-looking Vikings who ask the question, “What’s in your wallet?…and can we have some?”

In the meantime, the Metrodome is being used to house the remaining Katrina refugees.  There are still over 3,000 fugees roaming about the country for whatever reason.  The Vikings are hoping to get some free labor out of the deal. So far none of the fugees have offered to work, but a couple said they might…one time.

Miley Cyrus caught smoking, blames Hannah Montana


Disney humor...it's the best!

This week, a video surfaced on the Internet showing the already annoying Miley Cyrus smoking out of a bong. Unfortunately for us, she’s not smoking a talent enhancer.

Miley is said to be smoking salvia, which is a plant/herb/mythical creature/substance that is completely legal in California. It is now also known as a substance that makes Miley Cyrus more annoying than she already is.

When asked about the video, Miley responded to the matter saying, “Wasn’t me…it was Hannah Montana. Don’t worry it happens all the time.”

In the video (link below) you can see the effects of the salvia on Miley. She claims to be having a “bad trip” as she attempts to be funny, which she is no longer capable of after years of bad Disney comedy writing, and too many hours spent watching Two and a Half Men.

Watch the Video here on TMZ.com

The salvia apparently did nothing to fix her mannish voice or her teeth, which just really get in the way of her trying to talk.   It did, however, cause her to listen to music that is better than her own (Bush’s “Comedown” was the soundtrack to this epic video).

Her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, said to reporters, “It broke my Achy Breaky Heart. Sorry guys. I had no idea. Just saw this stuff for the first time myself. I’m so sad. There is much beyond my control right now. Please buy my albums…I’m hungry.”

Many people are outraged and believe a “role model” shouldn’t be doing things like this. Maybe it’s time to quit choosing child stars as role models. When has that ever turned out well? Never. No wait…Kirk Cameron.

Jesus is Mike Sever's homeboy.

Urban Meyer steps down, secret World of Warcraft addiction


University of Florida head coach, Urban Meyer, resigned from his position this past Wednesday.  Less than one year ago, he attempted resignation due to health concerns but decided to stay.  This time, he assures us “it’s final.”

Many Gator fans are surprised by his departure, given that in the 2009 season he led the team to win the BCS National Championship.   The Gators’ 2010 season was not nearly as successful as they finished 2nd in the SEC East, and did not even get the opportunity to play for the SEC Championship.  Experts the 2010 season a “rebuilding year” for the Gators after Tim Tebow went to the NFL in the 2009 draft.

“He (Tebow) was the core of our offense. His presence was missed this season.  We are just awful without him.” said Meyer in a November press conference.

On Thursday, rumors started flying around the internet as to why Meyer decided to step down.  He originally cited that he wanted to be closer to his family, but one company stepped forward with some information that possibly explains  his departure.

A few months ago, Blizzard Entertainment, makers of the popular MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role-playing game ) World of Warcraft, noticed a significant spike in activity from one of its online characters, a Blood-Elf Warlock named Urbanog.

A company representative told reporters that they “noticed a grotesquely significant increase in playing time around July 2010” that has exponentially increased ever since.  The account was looked into further and discovered to belong to Gators head coach Urban Meyer.

“All of our account information is usually kept anonymous and we don’t typically release this information to the public, but given that I had the Gators selected to win in our office pool this year, I don’t really care anymore.  He screwed me,” said the forthright Blizzard Entertainment representative.

Meyer chatting with his unit on teamspeak.

When Meyer was questioned about the Warcraft matter on Friday he finally broke down.  “How else was I supposed to get better?  I mean, they start you off in the woods with practically no skills or spells.  Winning takes time.  Winning takes effort.  I was tired of being called a n00b,” said Meyer.

To put things in perspective, Meyer has logged 2,254 hours of playing time over the last 126 days.  This equates to 93 days of playing time in the 126 day span.  Basically, if he’s not on the field, or sleeping…he’s logged into WOW (World of Warcraft in nerd-speak).

Meyer lashed out in a ‘mom just 10 more minutes’-style defense saying, “Look at me now, ALRIGHT! JUST LOOK AT ME!!!  I’ve got it all!  I’m a level 80, all of my gear is Epic, I’m the President of my own guild, and I’ve led and won over 400 raids!  You don’t get numbers like that without hard work and a lot of free time.  I’m just preparing for the next expansion pack.  I’m gonna get that the night it comes out, level all the way up…and start pwning (‘owning’ in nerd-speak) some n00bs.”

One reporter asked how he was planning to make money to provide for his family since he is essentially job-less.  His reply was, “Don’t you worry about that.  I’m an expert Jewelcrafter and I mined for like, a ton of mithril and gold last week.  I’m pretty set.  Thanks.”

Top Celebrity Children Dressed As Grown-Ups


One of the worst things you can do is dress your child as if it is an adult.  There’s something creepy about a child walking around dressed as if it was a full-grown person.  This is not something that occurs often with normal people…but celebrities are horrible at violating this rule.  Okay, it’s not a rule…but it should be.

I have chosen three of the best celebrity children dressed as adults, in a segment I like to call: “Celebrity Children…Lookin’ All Adult and Stuff”.

Romeo & Cruz Beckham Victoria Beckham with her two kids, Cholo and Vato.

This picture says, “If I can’t adopt foreign kids like Brad and Angelina, I’ll just dress them like Cholos and make the best of what I have.”

Children should not be treated as accessories and this is clearly what is going on here.  Although it is an odd accessory choice.  Her outfit says “Hollywood” while her kids say “East LA”.  That is a confusing and unnecessary combination and should be avoided at all costs.

We would like to see Victoria step it up a little bit and dress her children in something a little more appropriate.  I don’t care if she decks them out in Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana gear…this has to stop.  Grade: D-

The Jolie-Pitt Clan

The Benetton Bunch is seen here walking through the airport.  Is there any order to this?  We have pictured from L to R: Ninja Courrier, Serena Williams, Asian Businessman, Lara Croft, and Lesbian Yachtsman.

If this isn’t bad enough, just imagine if all of their children were pictured here.  They have two others…and they’re twins.  If they were pictured I’m positive that they would be in matching Leprechaun outfits.

The Jolie-Pitt’s get two grades.  I give them an A- for almost completing a rainbow, and an F for outfit non-execution.  Average Grade: C-

The Original MTV's "Teen Mom"

Maddie Briann Aldridge (aka Jamie Lynn Spears’ daughter)

Oops, Britney’s sister did it again (insert lame round of applause).  This would almost be an acceptable outfit for a celebrity child, if not for the mother dressing almost the exact same way.  What we have here is essentially a mother trying to dress like her daughter, while still dressing her daughter.  It’s just a mess.

1988 called and it wants its neon shirt and jean jacket back.  Zing.

I am going to let JLS slide on this one just because she had her child when she was just 17 years old.  She still dresses like a child herself and it only makes sense that they look the same.

I would like to start a rumor here.  Jamie Lynn Spears’ daughter is pregnant.  Spears will become a 20-year old grandmother.  Remember, you heard it here first.  Grade: B+

"4 is the new 20"
Kingston Rossdale

It only makes sense that this child be a fashion icon…15-20 years from now.  The offspring of Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani is caught out on the town eating an apple.  He has ditched the ‘rents and lives by his own rules.  At least he is making healthy dietary choices.

This outfit proves that 4 is the new 20.

There are no other celebrity children that can top the adultness of Kingston Rossdale.  This is why I have awarded him with the “#1 Pet Peeve:  Children Dressed as Adults Award”.

Just to prove my point, I’ll let you enjoy another photo (left).  This is young Kingston as he leaves his rehearsal space in West Hollywood.  He plays guitar and sings for a Village People cover band, “The Macho Men”.

This photo reminds me of the movie Big Daddy where Frankenstein (Julian) is allowed to pick out whatever he wants to wear.  I believe he walks out of the house in a mix of aquatic gear and business attire.  I could be wrong.  Tell me if I am.  Either way this is just awful.

There is no possible way to grade Kingston Rossdale.  I don’t know whether to give him an F or an A+.  There’s just too much going on to tally any kind of points.  Made-Up Grade: Q+-

LeBron James Returns to Cleveland, Sabotages Airplane


The Miami Heat had a scare early Thursday morning as the airplane that was transporting the team from Miami to Cleveland was reported to have a “wing flap issue”.  The flight crew reported that the issue became noticed on the approach into Cleveland Hopkins airport.  The Miami Heat arrived safely at the airport around 2:30am.LeBron James "Please, don't kill me"

The Heat are set to square off tonight in Cleveland against the Cavaliers when just five months ago, LeBron James left the Cavaliers as a free agent and signed with the Heat.  This will be his first game back in Cleveland since the departure.

NBA analyst Ketch Roberts called the airplane incident “karma coming back to LeBron James for what he did to the people of Cleveland.”

Around 3:00pm on Thursday, a statement was released from an anonymous witness claiming that James had attempted to pay a technician an undisclosed amount of money to rig the plane so it would not be able to pass inspection to take off from Miami International Airport.

Shortly after the release of the statement, NBA commissioner, David J. Stern, spoke out regarding the rumor saying that, “While we cannot yet prove that any transaction took place, we are still investigating it as a possibility.  I mean, come on, it’s a little suspicious that there is a ‘witness’ claiming that this happened…and then something actually happened.  I’ll ‘tweet the deets’ as soon as we know more.”

"It was both serendipitous and uncorrect at the same time. It was simmontaneous."

LeBron James held a 5:00pm pre-game press conference regarding the issue.  He defended the rumors saying, “I ain’t done nothing.  No sabotage.  This was just a freak accident.  I promise.  This has nothing at all to do with me not wanting to come back to Cleveland, although the timing is…oh, how do you say…serendipitous?  I’m 90% sure I used that word uncorrectly…as well as that one.  I had many good years here in Cleveland.  I know I didn’t give you a championship and all, but I could have.  I wasn’t really trying all that hard anyway…only ‘cuz I didn’t want the other players to feel bad.  Honest.”

After almost 40 minutes of overly apologetic and mostly suspicious rambling, James concluded saying, “I promise I had nothing to do with the plane not working right.  I really wanted to come back to Cleveland…I’m not scared.  This just says a lot for the airlines because a plane in that condition wasn’t even supposed to be able to take off.  That’s what that dude told me at least…I mean I Googled it.”

One reporter spoke very briefly to Heat teammate Dwyane Wade about the allegations.  When asked if he though James was guilty, Wade’s only response was, “O.J. Simpson”.

The game is scheduled to start at 8:00pm tonight and LeBron James is expected to play.  Extra security precautions have been put in place for the game and Cleveland fans will have difficulty taunting James while he is off-court.  A protective cage has been built for James to use during the game.  It is said to be pummel resistant, drink proof, food proof, and it even has a feature that filters offensive comments and turns them into words of praise.

PSA: 5 Reasons to Own/Not Own a Bear


5 Reasons to Own a Bear

#1 Eats intruders

#2 Knows which brands of toilet paper to use#3 Immediate conversation starter

#4 Free fish

#5 Likes Jumanji and The Jungle Book just as much as you do.  Also, hates Bear Grylls just as much as you do.

5 Reasons to not own a bear

#1 May confuse loving owner as an intruder (see #1 reason to own a bear)

#2 If you are a honey-enthusiast, you will never taste your favorite sweet treat again.

#3 Will not wear the “Pooh” shirt you got it

#4 Gives painful high-fives

#5 Addicted to Coke