Monthly Archives: November 2010

Vikings fire Childress, hire “Major Dad”

On Monday, the Minnesota Vikings fired head coach Brad Childress following Sunday’s 31-3 loss to their division rival, Green Bay Packers.  Last season, Childress led the Vikings to within a field goal from going to the Super Bowl.

This is Brad Childress with is famous "Okay, I'll go pack up my office" look.

The team decided not to tell quarterback, Brett Favre, about Childress’ departure, and put Favre on an information lockdown.  On Monday, Vikings owner Zygi Wilf told reporters, “It is important not to upset Brett (Favre) with only six games left in the season.  He does not deal with change very well.  We all saw what happened when he left Green Bay.  We’re just trying to minimize the damage.  His old body can’t handle this kind of news.”

Tuesday afternoon, in an attempt to get a coach in place without Favre noticing, the Minnesota Vikings hired former “Major Dad” TV star, Gerald McRaney, as Childress’ replacement.

It's uncanny. It's like Brad Childress with a George W. Bush grin.

Wilf told reporters, “The decision was easy.  I mean, look at him.  He looks exactly like Brad (Childress).  Just slap some glasses on him and we’re good to go.”

When asked about Favre possibly noticing the age difference between McRaney and Childress, offensive coordinator Darrel Bevell said, “It’s only a 9 year difference.  Sure “Major Dad” looks a bit older than Chilly, but Favre’s eyes also aren’t what they used to be.  Look at his 17 interceptions this year.  He’s throwing balls to everyone.  If I had a dollar for every time Brett has come to me this season and said ‘sorry coach, thought it was one of our guys’, I’d be able to buy like 17 McDonald’s double-cheeseburgers.”

"Brett didn’t seem to notice...He gave a very dramatic and confused stare...After about two minutes he shrugged and kept walking." (Click to Enlarge)

Favre and McRaney met for the first time Wednesday morning in the Vikings locker room.  A team representative said, “It was great.  McRaney played it so casual.  I haven’t seen him act this well in years.  Brett didn’t seem to notice the difference, but gave us a close scare when they first crossed paths.  He stopped and gave a very dramatic and confused stare into the distance.  You know, kinda like they do on soap operas.  After about two minutes he shrugged and kept walking.  No harm done and we’re happy to have ‘Major Dad’ in the locker room.”

McRaney has yet to speak out about his new job, but a close family friend told reporters that, “He’s just happy to have steady work and hopefully help out the Vikings.  Gerald has always had a soft spot for charities.”


Justin Bieber has Lego hair

Many celebrities have attempted it.  One manchild has perfected it.  Ladies and gentlemen…Justin Bieber has amazing Lego hair.

Look at it...his head is like a dipped cone from Dairy Queen. A perfectly molded shell of hair.

Justin Bieber has done what Zac Effron, Pete Wentz, and the entire Kennedy family failed to do.  Justin Bieber has transformed this hideous hairstyle into a mainstream pop culture phenomenon.  While the cut is annoying and awful, not since the actual Lego people has this hairstyle been pulled off so effortlessly.

The “Bieber Cap” has attracted a lot of celebrity attention recently.  A few of these celebrities have even tried to sport this questionable look, including:

New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady.

Close to perfection, however Tammy...I mean Tom, falls just a little bit short on the execution.


Juno star, Ellen Page

Other than the slight flaw in the hair, I really don't see the difference between Bieber and Page. They should date.


Friends star, David Schwimmer

Nice try Ross. It's like he's attempting the "Bieber Cap" and Farrah Fawcett feather hair all at once.


The Beatles

John, Ringo and Paul almost have it. George is way off. This is clearly a case of "Beatles did it first, Bieber did it best".


ABC News Anchor, Ted Koppel

Wow...he's old.

I have nothing else to offer you on the subject, and I am not trying to add to the growing “Bieber Fever”.  I just thought I’d bring this to your attention so that you can start searching for “Bieber Cap” sightings of your own.  Once again, Justin Bieber has Lego hair.  Thoughts?

Also, if you notice the “Bieber Cap” on any other celebrities…please let me know.  Please know that the official term for this Lego-like hairstyle is indeed the “Bieber Cap”.  You heard it here first, and yes, you can use it.  If you’ve heard it elsewhere then tell me and I’ll see if I care or not.

Derek Jeter, Yankees play “Let’s Make A Deal”

For the first time in his illustrious career, Derek Jeter is a free agent.  His 10-year, $189 million contract came to an end at the conclusion of the 2010 season.   The New York Yankees, wishing to keep their franchise star shortstop in New York, began negotiations with Jeter and his agent.

The Yankees’ negotiating strategy has been unfavorable to Jeter so far.  Initially, the Yankees were reluctant to offer Jeter anything more than a 3-year $45 million contract, while  Jeter wanted at least a 4-year contract with more money on top.  The Yankees’ negotiation efforts continue to fall short, and continue to get more bazaar.

Derek Jeter during his A.C. Slater phase.

The most recent development in the negotiation has the Yankees’ offering Jeter a 4-year $55 million contract and a package which includes upper-deck season tickets, a signed Derek Jeter 1992 Draft Pick baseball card, and a lifetime supply of Otter Pops.

Jeter’s agent spoke out against the offer, calling it “childish and insulting”.  The Yankees’ responded saying that, “there was just no more money left to offer what Derek (Jeter) is worth.  Which is why we added the package as a part of the deal.”

The Otter Pop is responsible for more sticky pairs of scissors than any other desert snack.

During a press conference, Jeter said, “I am confused as to why I would even use the season tickets.  They’re not even good seats.  I won’t even comment on offering me my signed rookie card and Otter Pops.  I don’t even like Otter Pops.”

Yankees’ owner, Hal Steinbrenner, responded to Jeter’s comment saying, “We admit that the Otter Pops and signed baseball card are lame, but if he (Jeter) doesn’t want the season tickets he can give them away as a stocking stuffer perhaps.  The seats may be upper-deck, but they’re still right behind home plate and you can see the whole field.  I really don’t see what the issue is here.  He is just pulling his ‘Diva’ card.”

The negotiations continue and Yankees fans will have to wait to see what Jeter decides to do.  It is unlikely he will decide to go to another team, but for the Yankees organization it’s just a matter of “sealing the deal” to keep him there for sure.

Just a preview of what could be the newest Randy Moss jersey. This would be the fourth team jersey within a year to feature his name.

In a related story, Tennessee Titans wide receiver, Randy Moss, has been contacted by the Yankees to replace Jeter if he opts for another team.  Moss has been with three different NFL teams this season and switching sports seems like the next logical move for the indecisive veteran.

Fans have responded in outrage and one analyst calls the rumor “absurd”, saying that “the Yankees are clearly only after brand name players.  I highly doubt Moss has ever touched a baseball before.”

Steinbrenner has quite a few difficult decisions to make during the off-season, but the Jeter contract appears to be the sun that all of the other decisions revolve around.

Alabama eats Georgia State, looks to feast on Auburn

The Alabama Crimson Tide defeated the first-year Georgia State Panthers last night 63-7.  Most people would consider this to be an absolute blowout, however Panthers head coach, Bill Curry, claims that they (Panthers) are making strides and “would have done better had we been able to get the opponents’ films to play on our VHS player.”

The malfunctioning VHS player in the filmroom at Georgia State has been acting up all season and was once again on the fritz last week.  When asked why they don’t just buy a new one, or get a DVD player, Curry said, “that would be great but unfortunately the budget doesn’t allow it.  We aren’t the Yankees.”  The team is currently taking donations to put toward a new video system and hopes to have it functional before next season.

The one bright spot in last night’s slaughter came when Albert Wilson returned a kickoff for a 97-yard touchdown.  Alabama head coach, Nick Saban, spoke about the play during a postgame press conference saying, “we felt bad and had to let them have something.  That young kid will remember that touchdown for the rest of his life.  You’re welcome.”

Alabama will face-off against the unstoppable Auburn Tigers next week.   The Crimson Tide will need to shift their focus toward figuring out how to stop Cam Newton, a task at which no team has been successful at so far this season.

The illustration below should accurately describe the relationship between the Georgia State/Alabama game to the upcoming Alamaba/Auburn game in terms of size and sheer importance.

The man is of average height, and is incidentally NOT Indiana Jones. We cannot stress enough that there is NO relationship between the Georgia State Panthers and Indiana Jones.

Major League Baseball nearing year-round play

More games in the season will cause injuries like this to be 0.96% more likely to happen.

As if the 162-game regular season wasn’t long enough already, Major League Baseball is considering expanding the playoffs for the 2012 season. This will allow room for additional Wild Card teams.

This discussion began after the dismal 2010 World Series between the Texas Rangers and the San Francisco Giants. It was referred to by, sportswriter Clem Herring of the Washington Times, as the “most boring series of events ever strung together for television.” He later compared it to watching a marathon of ‘Joanie Loves Chachi’ citing it as, “just awful.”

The logic in having more playoff teams,is that having more teams involved in the playoff race will help weed out the teams like that do not receive high ratings. Hopefully the Giants/Rangers World Series has not set a trend, otherwise we can expect to se the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Baltimore Orioles duke it out for the title in 2011.

The proposal is receiving very little opposition at the moment but nothing has been finalized as of yet.

Fantasy Football & The Quest For Glory

For those of you who enjoy Fantasy Football, you know that running one team is enough to drive you crazy every week. I have the unfortunate task of running three teams. Most people frown upon playing in multiple leagues, but I was invited into three leagues…so I’m playing in three leagues. Like most people with in multiple leagues, I have the “league that I care about”. I have one league that it’d like to do well in. The other is purely for fun with no prizes for winning. My frustration lies in the fact that I’m doing extremely well in all three leagues. Let me break it down for you:

League #1: The Dip Ships
12 Team League
Record: 6-3 (Tied for 2nd)
Power Ranking: 2nd
Grand Prize: Balcony Cabin on The Rock Boat

League #2: Sixthman
12 Team League
Record: 6-3 (Tied for 2nd)
Power Ranking: Tied for 1st
Grand Prize: $200.00

League #3: Another Reason To Drink
8 Team League
Record: 8-1 (Tied for 1st…with my Girlfriend…and she’s good.)
Power Ranking: Unknown
Grand Prize: Nothing

Still a few more weeks left to go…and the good news is I’m playoff bound in all three leagues. I think I’ll start to vent my frustration with my lineups here. I’m sure someone will enjoy it out there. Wish me luck…or don’t. Go Falcons.