Monthly Archives: August 2010

Fortune Cookie from 8/25

My fortune cookie that I got on 8/25 read:

“Being aware of your fears will improve your life.”

By that logic, here is a list of things I need to be “aware” of to improve my life:

  • bears
  • clowns
  • drowning
  • burning
  • spiders
  • roaches
  • drinking milk past the expiration date
  • AIDS
  • NFL offseason
  • the entire state of Alabama
  • Justin Bieber
  • plane crashes
  • car crashes
  • boat crashes
  • stock market crashes
  • computer crashes
  • Justin Bieber again
  • tigers
  • minorities with weapons standing in large groups near me
  • racists
  • popped collars
  • adult braces
  • the end

This seems like a good list to start with.  Let’s see how much improves.  Stupid fortune cookie.


Double Fortune Cookie

I had Chinese for lunch today.  Nothing exciting.  However, when it became fortune cookie time…I got a little surprise.  DOUBLE FORTUNE COOKIE!!!!  Yeah that’s right…two cookies in the same wrapper.  Like some siamese twin cookie.  One was all retarded and deformed, and the other was in perfect shape.  Double fortune cookie nonetheless.

Naturally, I made a video.  Whether or not it is any good is up to you.  I’m not saying it is or it isn’t.  Just displaying my findings.

So, here’s the Double Fortune Cookie video as a parody to the infamous Double Rainbow video.

Tiger Woods Officially Retires From Marriage

When I went to today (as I never normally do), I was SHOCKED to find out that Tiger Woods and his wife were officially divorced.  They seemed like such a happy couple.  I guess there were troubles in their life that they didn’t want to disclose with the public.  It’s just weird to me how celebrities seem so perfect on the surface, when behind closed doors it can be total chaos.  I’m sure that whatever reason was for the divorce, it was a good one.  I’m sure they were both faithful to eachother.  They look so cute together.  Like a kitten and a bunny.  I’ll let you decide which one is the kitten and which is the bunny.  Although, if I could offer a suggestion…Tiger would make a better kitten.  Because his name is Tiger.

I’m going to take a minute to research why they divorced…brb.

Okay, I’m back.  So apparently he cheated on her?  I NEVER saw that one coming.  Not once did I ever see this in the news.  How did this escape me?  It must not have been publicized at all.  In no way at all could it have been publicized like the 9/11 attacks.  That was all you saw on TV for two weeks straight.  Same with the death of the white Michael Jackson. (black MJ died in the late 1980s.  The family held a private service.  Bubbles gave a speech.)

Now that I think about it, he doesn’t have the swagger he used to have.  The swagger that only a large amount of guilt can produce.  And could he be any worse at golf now?  Pretty sure I could do just as good as him…if not just slightly worse.

All joking aside, I figured they’d actually pull it together…but apparently there’s been a bit too much damage done to that relationship, and no amount of nine-irons to the face can fix it.

I found this photo taken of the two of them during the altercation.   You see what you want to see…but I see a happy couple with hope on the horizon.

Tiger, Elin, Jesus

Tiger, Jesus Mexican/Christ, Elin

RIP Tiger & Elin.  Nobody will care in a week.  I’m already over it.

The Tebow Timeline

Anyone who is familiar with the sports world knows the name, Tim Tebow.  When he’s not out circumcising the Filipino youth, he’s throwing hail mary’s (pun intended) in the NFL.  After a successful college career at Florida, the Denver Broncos decided to roll the dice and draft Tim Tebow.  There’s no doubt he’s a great athlete and a douche bag (confirmed via Wikipedia), but can he make it in the NFL?

Tim Tebow was on top of the world at Florida.  His climb to the top of the ladder is carefully documented and illustrated below:

This first picture is of Tim Tebow in 2006.  I know it was from 2006 because it is crudely scribbled into the photo itself.

Tim Tebow 2006

As you can see, Tim Tebow is just beginning to get a taste of what college football is all about.  It is around this time that he sold his soul to the mighty Satan (he would later win it back in an online poker tournament and join forces with Jesus.  Christ, to be specific.  Not just some mexican dude named Jesus, that spells his name the same as Jesus, but says it like Jesus instead of Jesus.  Jesus Christ that was confusing).  Moving on.

Now we see Tebow in the 2007 season.  This year he won the Heisman trophy.  You can see the trophy displayed proudly in the picture.

Even though the trophy looks like a yellow man urinating uncontrollably, Tim didn’t care.  He was now the cock of the walk.  Take that how you want to.  He now had a big ol’ trophy and JonBenét Ramsey-like work ethic to win no matter what.  Too soon?  It’s been 14 years.  Get over it.

In 2008, Tebow would begin use his shiny trophy to lure Filipino children into a hut so he could play Doctor and circumcise them.   He was almost thwarted several times during his scissoring escapades by authority figures.  They would accuse him of child molestation and mock his cutting techniques, calling them sloppy and unoriginal.  To this he would respond, “I am Tim Tebow.  Would Tim Tebow like little boys?  I think not.”  As it turned out he was the only one who thought not.

Tim Tebow’s questionable venture into the human calamari market paid off.  He won a BCS Championship in the 2008-09 season.  He even lost a game this season and cried about it on TV.  He promised to not to be human and lose another game.

The 2009-10 season would prove to be extra annoying to watch.  His go-get-’em attitude on and off of the field was becoming sad to look at.  He was clearly cheesing for the camera, trying to attract attention from NFL teams.  His projected value in the NFL was still in question.  He did not care.  Jesus loved him.  Not the Mexican guy, the Christ one still.  That made 3 people who loved him (Mom, Dad, & Jesus.  I didn’t have  a photo of the four of them to post.  I saw one on the internet once but it looked like a photoshoppery because the Jesus in that photo actually was Mexican, and the Jesus we all know and love is a White.)  This is Tim in the 2009-10 season.

He would fail to lead his team to a National Championship in his final season.  They played in a Bowl game though…but then again who doesn’t get to play a bowl game.  Even though his team lost, he came out winning.  He was drafted in the first round by the Denver Broncos.  We will soon find out if this was a wise choice, or the most disappointing draft pick ever made.  At which point they will most likely have him shot and turned into glue.  Until that day, we will have to watch him cry every time the Broncos lose.  This will likely cause ratings to go up.

I was able to find the picture of the Tebow family with Jesus.  I’m pretty sure it’s still Jesus the Mexican and not Jesus Christ.  If anyone can shed any light on this it would be rather helpful.  It does, however, answer the question of whether or not you can fall asleep while standing.

L to R: Mom Tebow, Dad Tebow, Tim Tebow, Jesus Mexican/Christ  Yes…this is a real site.

* Note:  Any inaccuracies in this post will go uncared about by myself.  In summary, I won’t care about anything in this post that isn’t accurate.  I realize I just took the first sentence, and wrote it in a different way for the summary.  I also realize I used my entire third sentence, as well as this one, to describe what I did in the previous sentences.  This fifth sentence will be my final one on the matter.